Support group helps individuals recover from divorce

With one in two marriages ending in divorce, Lori and Mark Buxton are on a mission to heal broken hearts and restore shattered lives.

The Houston couple, associate pastors of Colony Creek Church in Missouri City - a plant church of Grace Community Church in Houston - recently completed the first session of a new divorce care support group to help individuals recover from the devastation of divorce.

A 13-week course, based on curriculum developed by DivorceCare.com, the course walks individuals through a series of sessions aimed at helping individuals navigate their way back to a healthy life and outlook.

The couple commends Don Osborn, pastor of Colony Creek Community Church, and wife, Linda, for their support of the programs.

“Our pastor and his wife have been married for more than 30 years and haven’t experienced the devastation of divorce, but they understand the desperate need to reach out to this growing community of people,” said Lori Buxton.

Both Buxton and her husband had been previously married when they met.

“Both of our parents divorced and we both came from a background of multiple divorces. We are a blended family and this type of program is what got us back on our feet again and took the pieces of what was and turned it into something wonderful,” said Lori Buxton, an early education administrator in charge of Colony Kids, the church’s day care facility.

“When we got in relationships we did it the way we saw it modeled. If you don’t see something modeled in the way it should be modeled, then you don’t have a healthy frame of reference,” said the Colony Creek co-pastor.

“The whole premise of marriage is that it is supposed to last forever, but society promotes the opposite. Something as simple as a personality conflict can be considered grounds for divorce. More common factors are selfishness and self-centeredness. Irreconcilable differences essentially boils down to hardened hearts,” said Mark Buxton.

The couple desires to make an impact on divorce statistics, in and outside of the church, but said the divorce support group is not an instant solution, but an ongoing process.

“In 13 weeks you are not going to be ’fixed,’ the purpose of the program is to give you the tools to be able to pick up your life and move forward and if you put God in the center of your life that he will move you forward and get you to where you need to go,” said Lori Buxton.

Individuals in the program meet every Wednesday from 7-8:30 p.m. to watch a DVD with information from divorce care experts and testimonies from others struggling with life after divorce. Group members then have a chance to talk about their experiences with others facing similar challenges.

The group covers a range of topics from “Facing Anger, Depression and Loneliness” to “Kid Care” to “New Relationships.”

Participation in the group is free and open to anyone in need of support in the process or aftermath of a divorce.

Materials are provided at no charge, although participants have the option of purchasing a supplemental workbook.

“We even provide free childcare services for participants,” said Lori Buxton.

According to the ministry leader, the greatest challenges individuals face after a divorce is the pressure from family and friends to begin dating too soon.

“There is always an audible gasp in the room when we share DivorceCare guidelines that encourage individuals to wait one year for every five years of marriage before beginning dating after a divorce,” said Buxton.

“They (DivorceCare) believe that it takes that long for the healing to take place and the pieces to be put back together. Your heart is broken and you have been rejected in the deepest way and the thing that your heart wants the most - to know you matter and to be affirmed - makes it tempting to move on to another relationship before you are ready,” Buxton added.

The couple agree and discourage individuals after divorce from moving too quickly into another relationship.

“If you put a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches, it doesn’t grow back together it leaves a big scar and a big hole where the gash was and that doesn’t make it healed, it just covers up the problem,” Buxton said.

The mother of four, two children from a previous marriage and two from her husband’s previous marriage has walked in the shoes of most of the individuals who seek support through their ministry.

“The process of walking through divorce is the same as walking through death but it is a little harder, because in death the person did not choose to leave you, but in divorce they did. This is a different kind of wound. When your heart is broken your heart is broken and it takes time to heal,” said the Missouri City associate pastor.

The ministry’s ultimate goal is reconciliation, but the outcome can be different for each individual, believe the couple.

“We see people before the divorce happens and we want to see marriages reconciled, but our goal, if they do divorce, is to give them alternatives on how to live your life post divorce,” she added.

Among the individuals the couple has counseled, the top causes for divorce include infidelity, different belief systems and financial stress.

Mark Buxton, head of a successful DivorceCare support group at Grace Community Church before meeting his wife, considers the program life changing.

One of his success stories includes a woman from another country, ostracized by her family because of her divorce, who attended the group sessions and was able to get a good job, raise her two sons and later buy a home. She now serves in various ministries at the couple’s church.

“Her life represents the potential that exists in divorce recovery programs to change the trajectory of a life … of many lives,” said Mark Buxton.

Thirteen weeks since the launch of the couple’s divorce support group in Missouri City, the Buxton’s have not had time to measure the success of the current program, but are encouraged.

“If they continue to show up and you continue to see the light of hope in their eyes - maybe this week there are not as many tears as last week; maybe you hear laughter where a few weeks ago it was like a funeral in there - the successes are really small in our part of it. But each small success, we pray, will lead to a life that they were really meant to have,” said Lori Buxton.

“As a believer, I want what God chooses for me, I know what I’ve gotten when I’ve picked. I’ve walked that out and my children have had to walk that out,” she added.

Not everyone’s walk is going to end up in another marriage, it may be that they remain single and serve in ministry, Buxton said.

“I don’t know what God’s plan is; but our purpose is not to be at the end of the story, our purpose is to get them to open the book.”

Divorce Care for Kids

The couple also oversees a program to help kids deal with the devastation of divorce called DC4K - DivorceCare for Kids.

The program offers youth a safe and neutral place to express their feelings and provides a fun, loving atmosphere to share their experiences with other kids going through similar circumstances.

Kids journal and complete workbooks, watch a series of DVD videos on divorce recovery with testimonies from other kids, and learn that God’s love strengthens them and helps them turn their sadness to hope and their anger to joy , according to the program’s website.“

The purpose of DC for Kids is to help kids to deal with the grief and confusion that they have and help them to navigate those waters so that it does no